He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
