Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Michael Bay diarrhea
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
