You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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