70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
