Only a mothe r could love this liver
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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