youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
