Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
