i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
