dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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