He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize