God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
