I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
