We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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