That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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