Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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