dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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