I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
