this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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