i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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