dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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