We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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