Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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