Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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