I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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