So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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