Whats the glycemic index on semen?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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