I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize