I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
