Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
