Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize