I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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