Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
