Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
we're so committed to being not committed
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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