I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
