I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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