The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
