Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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