do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
