omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
