Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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