I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
