you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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