So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
