Sober January is a disaster.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
