I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize