Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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