New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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