How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
