i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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