Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
