true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
