I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
