I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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