dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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