AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
