i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
