It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
