I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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