When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
