Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
