threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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