My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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