what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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