By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
