my vag is so smooth its legendary
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
