yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
