dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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